Seven years strong with my therapy Making mosaics of my memories Puzzled with doubt, I’m my closest enemy It’s like this girl is squatting in my identity She’s a raver, a likkle libertine (ayy) And a bouncer to my dopamine Tried so hard to become a referee To even out the game that’s between my mind and meLove me or leave me and let me be lonely Inside my head, there’s a voice that controls me I’d rather be somewhere else with anyone but me Ooh, love me or leave me and let me be lonely Been down so long now that happy is holy I’d rather be somewhere else with anyone but me Anyone but me (mmm), anyone but me (uh)She’s dependent, she’s my man and wife Peckham preacher, give ’em bad advice She just does the spendin’ and then I pay the price Tryna be Calise but she always trip me twice But, I know I could do better (I could do better) Baby, we’re no good together (together, together) You are you, I am I Now you gotta go bye ~ Joy Crookes – Anyone But Me
I’ve cut way back on my blogging commitments lately and I have to say its been fun to play with different styles again. I think this photo would have looked better without the pup, but I couldn’t resist that he was sitting the same way as me. I don’t have a whole lot to say as I’ve been struggling with my health lately. I suppose I could have done a micro post for this photo, but I didn’t. *shrugs*
‘Cause I’m so, so done Guardin’ my tongue, holdin’ me back I’m livin’ the way that I want ‘Cause I’m so, so done Fighting myself, goin’ through Hell I’m livin’ the way that I want I’m livin’ the way that I want I’m livin’ the way that I want I’m livin’ the way that I want I’m livin’ the way that I want
I lost control over all my energy Done so much damage to my heart I’ve given in, I’ve changed my identity I didn’t mean to go so far, umm-mm
Oh my God (God) I wish (Wish) I could be (Be) better than this My God, wish (Wish) I could be (Oh-oh) ~ Alicia Keys – So Done
Sometimes, I just don’t care. I don’t know why. I suppose its a symptom of mental illness. I’m not sure which one. I guess I should ask my therapist. Maybe one day I will. Then again, I’ve been ill for a few days, so it could just be related to that. I just know that lately, I don’t feel sad or happy. I just feel nothingness. As if there’s a void in my soul. It’s not dark or light. It’s not black or white. It’s not blurry or clear. It’s gray and foggy, like creepy autumn morning. It’s just empty.
I don’t wanna talk about it, there isn’t much to say I don’t have an excuse to why I won’t come to your party And I don’t want my picture taken, I’d hate it anyway No, I don’t wanna spoil your night, just go have fun without meI’m pushing food around my plate ‘Cause my father said I’m overweight Well, maybe he’d feel better If I just disappeared altogether and I Got so good at faking smiles I can do it for a little while Just don’t ask me if I’m okay ‘Cause I’m not okay, noIt’s hard to show you something invisible No tears, no scars, no bruises, It’s not physical It’s covered up and hidden tight Beneath the skin, inside the mind You wouldn’t even notice, you wouldn’t even know Invisible, invisible, invisible ~ Grace Davies – Invisible
People are like stained – glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Don’t speak, no, don’t try
It’s been a secret for the longest time
Don’t run (oh), no, don’t hide
Been running from it for the longest time
So many mornings, I woke up confused
In my dreams, I do anything I want to you
My emotions are naked, they’re taking me out of my mind
Right now, I’m shameless
Screamin’ my lungs out for ya
Not afraid to face it
I need you more than I want to
Need you more than I want to
Show me you’re shameless
Write it on my neck, why don’t ya?
And I won’t erase it
I need you more than I want to
I need you more than I want to
I been sweating, doing calisthenics
Booty vicious, mind yo business
I been working, working on my fitness
I’ve been lifting heavy metal
See this ass? Ain’t no rental
Take it down low like just stretching
Pick it back up like I’m flexing
Woo, tryna get it, working on my fitness
Think about how I’m gonna feel when I step up on the catwalk
Think about how I’m gonna feel when I got that ass that don’t stop
That ass that don’t stop, that ass don’t stop
And think about how I’m gonna feel when I take it all off
So, this might be a sensitive subject and I genuinely come to the table from a place of complete love. I’m also rather ignorant about the subject and I guess one could blame that on white privilege. However, in no way, shape, or form is this meant to insult ANYONE. And because I don’t like to offend people like that, I tend avoid certain things. However, I’ve noticed that Asian culture seems to be fair game. Oddly enough, its not one that I’ve been especially drawn to…except for the food. Cuz, let’s be fair, most Asian cuisine is pretty damn delicious and yes, I would honestly try some of the “weird” stuff they serve in the street food vendors I’ve seen on TV.
I guess my question is…when does it go from appreciation to appropriation? And when did this become a thing? For instance, growing up I always wondered how sports teams got away with using some of the names they used, because even as a child, I felt it was rather racist. My parents had no good answer about that teams and always said that one day they would change. They were right and as far as I know, most of them have changed. (I don’t follow sports, so some may not have changed yet.) Also, as a child, my favorite costume for Halloween was being a “gypsy,” but recently I discovered that even that term is considered racist now. I had no idea. I just loved all the jewelry and the flowing skirts. I liked it a whole lot more than being a princess! Also, as a kid…cowboys and Indians was a normal thing to play as a kid. We didn’t see them as good guys and bad guys, we just saw cowboy hats & guns or feathers & arrows. I always wanted to an Indian, because I thought they were cooler. I never could get into Westerns or cowboys.
So, if we look back on my childhood, without knowing my heart and reasons….was I racist? Was I appropriating someone’s culture? Well, I know my heart has never been racist. I know my parents weren’t racist. My family actually did have friends of other races and yes, they did come to our house (before you ask). With that said, my father was in the U.S. Army, so I was exposed to different races and cultures from a very early age.
To me, skin color is the same as hair color…the darker your natural pigment, the harder it is to change it.
Feel free to comment anyway you like, but know this…ANY clear-cut racist or hateful remarks will be deleted. This is not about hate or racism, this is about me trying to better understand the world I live in.
hair: DOUX – Jane Hairstyle
head: LeLUTKA Fleur Head 2.0
body: [LEGACY] Meshbody (f) (1.2)
skin: DeeTaleZ *SKINS* for LELUTKA HEADS (EVO.) – Flora