Each time some one hurts me, each time my heart is broken, and left scarred…it gets harder and harder to even believe in true love, at least not for me. My close friends know what a hard time I’m having in the real these days. Yes, SL is my escape. Yes, my real life is pretty sad and a whole lot of scary right now. My husband and I have been separated but sharing a home for over two years. He had his room, I had mine. There were times that I was hopeful that we might could work it out. He has recently moved out and moved in with the woman with whom his affair was the end of our marriage.
There are times when I am grateful for what I have and do my best to stay positive. There are times that I take great comfort in violent fantasies. Most of all I wake up each day disappointed that it not just a bad dream. This nightmare is my reality.
I’m dealing with a grocery list of health issues that will never get better. I live in constant physical pain. I’m not writing this to complain or whine. I’m writing this to explain why I’ve decided to live the remainder of my days as a free spirit. I refuse to be tied down to things I no longer believe in.
I never wanted to get married, because I’ve never seen a successful marriage. I suck at relationships, ask any of my exes, they’ll agree. I can and do love, very deeply. Its being loved that I struggle with and it never fails that the minute I start to believe that I might just be worthy of that same love in return that I am proven wrong, each and every time. I’ve been drawn to relationships all my life. I hate feeling lonely, but the truth is…I’m not alone. I have some wonderful friends. That’s all I need. I will not seek out another romantic relationship, not this time.
Yes, I am broken, but I am broken beyond mending. I’ve accepted that and the people that I’m closest to are aware of it, too. I’ve accepted my plight and learning to let go of a dream is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I’m awake now. I won’t repeat my mistakes again and again…not this time…well, not for a very long time, at least. *sighs* I really mean this stuff when I say it, you know? Deva, stop laughing. Dusty, stop rolling your eyes…I swear they’re going to roll right out of your head one day. Sora, distract him, will ya? Tracy, Grace, Kess….you cunts, just shut the hell up. *sighs* I hear you giggling, Luca. Ame, whoop her, will ya? Nikole, get the duct tape, you get it, right?
This month my blog celebrates it 2yr anniversary and I can’t thank YOU the readers enough for your support. It continues to amaze me that anyone takes the time to read my words, look at my pictures, or comment. I am so humbled by it all. More than anything I’m grateful to my Ride or Die girls or as I usually refer to them, my cunts.
A strange twist of fate, some rock music, and a barn brought us together in the most unexpected ways, but the formula works. Four of the five of us have been inseparable. Let me explain the mega-important role that each of these girls plays in our little Cunt Cult (that’s what we call ourself and Tracy even made us a logo! No, you can’t join. #sorrynotsorry) We are not the mean girls, but we’ve tried bringing people into our group in the past. It has always backfired and when the cunts turn on you, well, its not pretty.
We do not have a leader, but I suppose some would assume its Kess or me. No, but believe or not, Kess is often our sound of reason. The one that grounds us in reality, points out the reasons one of our latest and greatest ideas is a BAD idea. For those of you that know Kess, please stop laughing. She’s really far smarter than people give her credit for….no, wait, that’s Tracy. Everyone knows that Kess, while being a daft bint, is an amazing and incredible woman that sets a fairly good example for the rest of us. She tends to give us that kick in the ass when we need it. While she’s all of that and a bag of chips….we don’t listen to her for romantic advice, cuz when it comes to men….well, I think she’s finally got a good one, but good lord. She has gone through enough toads, that’s for sure. Its about high time she found some happiness.
Then there’s Tracy….and Rom. Rom is an honorary member, because he’s sorta of been along for the ride with us since the very beginning. Sadly, this post isn’t about Rom, but if you love some artistic photography, please check out Rom’s flickr. Now, back to Tracy, she’s the owner of GingerFish poses. I’m sure you’re all familiar with her store. If not, you should be. She was one of the first pose makes to do bento poses. Her prices are great and she’s an amazing individual. She’s probably the smartest of all the cunts, but you’d never know it to talk to her. *giggles* She’s a crazy ginger that eats the souls of children for breakfast. *grins*
Then there’s Grace! This girl is like my twin. We agree on almost everything, except her choice in men. Tally? Really? *bursts into giggles* Grace and I go back and forth picking at one another. She never judges me ever. No matter what stupid shit I do, she’s probably done the same or something close. If these cunts were angels and demons on my shoulder, Grace would definitely be wearing red…with cow print. I don’t even know how to explain Grace….she’s Irish…wait, North Ireland Irish (that seems to make a difference). Between her shitty internet service and her crazy accent, she can be difficult to understand on voice. However, I love this woman like no one’s business….she’s my twinkie♥There’s another cunt, Ava, but she’s off in the real world being all in love & pregnant. I love her, but I honestly didn’t get to know her that well before she left us for that other platform called Real Life. I love them more than words can express and I refuse to even think of my life without them. They all have Flickrs, so click their names where highlighted to check them out, if you’d like.
These are the first circle of my Ride or Die bitches. I have a 2nd circle and they are the MF’n bomb. Perhaps I’ll talk about them another time, but they are not bloggers and kinda prefer to keep their lives a bit more private.
“In the morning when I wake
And the sun is coming through,
Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness,
And you fill my head with you.”
The Paper Kites Bloom
Warning: Mushy Post
My friends have wondered what’s become of me, because I’ve gone from this cynical, anti-love, frozen heart, bitter bitch to this mushy, suddenly romantic, crazy in love girl. Yes, I said girl instead of woman. To put it quite simply, the way Josh makes me feel..well…*blushes*…very much a young girl again. I simply can’t get enough of him and this post is dedicated to him for teaching me to love again. Not just to love others, but myself. He has truly inspired me in ways I never imagined and it is with him that I feel like a flower in my garden. Its my turn to bloom and that’s what I’m doing. For even when I struggle to believe in myself, he never stops believing in me or encouraging me. I can’t know how long this will last, but for as long as it does I’m going to embrace it. I wish this for everyone. I truly hope that you can all find a love for yourself that is this grand…whether you get there on your own or with the guidance of another. ♥
wearing: hair: MINA – June – Essentials (*new* @ Kustom9) head: CATWA HEAD Lona (*new & exclusive* @ Skin Fair) eyes: CATWA Mesh Eyes w/-SU!– [CATWA & OMEGA HUD] Xenira Eyes ALL COLORS dimples: Izzie’s – Catwa Dimples Hud lipstick: [PF] CATWA LIPSTICK Applier – Glossy Pout body: Maitreya Mesh Body – Lara hands: -VA-VISTA BENTO