Yeah, so I’m writing again and I’m guessing some people wish I’d kept my damn mouth shut. Then again, its all about perspective, isn’t it? I dunno why anyone would want to read the ramblings of my mental mind, but some of you for some weird ass reason. By the way, I’m glad you do…*smiles*
So, today, I’m just gonna touch on perspectives because CandyDoll did this awesome little tee shirt dress for Uber and the graphics options are epic! This one just screamed Sady, so naturally I had to blog it…and not just with a photo…with my wonderous words, too. You’re welcome. *laughs* If you can’t make it out, it says, “I’m not a hot mess. I’m a spicy disaster.” I swear I’m so close to changing my display name to Spicy Mf’n Disaster, its not even funny…well…it IS funny and that’s why I’d do it. Anyway, this rambling mess is just an example of what a disaster I am. However, through someone else’s eyes, I’m perfect. And looking through these very masculine legs, I’m pretty damn cute!
Sometimes people simply bewilder me. We all get approached by some pretty odd people in Second Life. Ask anyone, we all have stories. I can’t help but tilt my head to the side like a confused puppy and look at my screen sometimes. Just the other day, I had someone send me a message offering their arm as a snack, because once upon a time my profile suggested that I bite. Naturally, I had no idea what he was talking about and it all went downhill from there.
Did he actually accuse me of having no manners after he called me a name? I have no manners because I did not respond they way he hoped. I have no manners, because my sexy photos are clearly an invitation for men to say whatever they want to me. I have no manners, because I don’t jump at the opportunity to talk to some strange man on the internet. I have no manners, because I doubt the sincerity of someone that couldn’t start his first conversation with me like an adult.
I think he needs a dictionary, because if he knew what manners were and had any himself…well, he wouldn’t have approached me as he did. Nor would he have thrown a tantrum when he didn’t get his way. I’m curious if his ridiculous approach works on other women and who taught him this crap?
Silly kids, drama is for television! Quickest way to get unfollowed on Facebook by me is to post about how you find someone else to be a bully and then proceed to bully said bully with your post. Pot meet Kettle. Seriously, just grow up. You can agree to disagree. You can remove people from your lists. You can block people. These are all great and highly recommended ways to diffuse drama on your timeline. However, if the person you remove or block is indeed an actual bully and/or drama queen…well, its about to get ugly. Time and time again, I see people posting gyazos of conversations they have with other people…conversations they instigated and poked at with what appears to be clear cut bullshit. If you’re anti-bullying don’t bully the person that upset you. Feel free to confront them…privately. If they disagree, odds are that nothing you say is going to change their minds. In fact, if they are a bully, you just made yourself a target. If they’re not a bully and you drag all your silly grievances to your timeline to share with the world? Well, I’m sorry, but in my opinion, you are the real bully. How about we all just grow up and stop being hypocrites about this silly shit?
I absolutely love how people say they’re tired of all the bullshit on the grid and how they want people to be more honest, but at the end of the day they only really want the truth they want to hear. They don’t want the whole truth. I have apologized for hurting people’s feelings with the truth, but I will never apologize for being honest. I am trying to just keep my mouth shut and let people ramble senselessly about their issues for which they clearly want not resolution, but its hard to listen to someone talk about such toxic behaviors as if its a sporting event. I wonder if they know how they sound or that people are literally rolling their eyes the minute they begin to speak about certain subjects? Are they so self absorbed they don’t really care, because they’re more interested in having an audience?
These are the questions that occur to me as I listen to the broken records and instructions for self-destruction from some of the people in my life. I can only imagine the sorts of thoughts they all have about me. I’m pretty sure I’ve become the person that is such a downer most of my friends have quit reaching out for a damn good reason. I can’t say I blame them. Dare I say it? I’ve become….*cringes*…emo. Ugh. Easy for me to sit in my pool of self loathing and point the fingers at those around me. Damn…we need to pull it together. How did we let ourselves get here?
Reading the red flags and taking notes is not something I’ve excelled at over the years. I’m figuring out things about myself while be paralyzed by pain. How can I ignore that he’s got someone in his life that cannot know about me? How do I know that he’s not still with her? How can I ignore that I’m a secret? I can’t. Yes, he ticks a lot of the right boxes, but there’s so much more. It’s no secret that I have trust issues. Hell, I’ve got subscriptions. How can I trust a man that isn’t honest with and about his current situation? I won’t deny there’s an attraction. That attraction is stronger than I could have anticipated, but how can I respect myself or him if I continue with this dance on the edge of wrong. Oh sure, we can justify it six ways from Sunday. Have we done anything wrong? I suppose we haven’t. Not technically, but what I do know is that I would not be comfortable with my man having these conversations behind my back.
I am not a rebound. I am not a fall back plan. I am not a replacement. I am not a substitute. I’m sure as hell not some dirty little secret. If I’m going to open myself up to something beyond friendship again…and that’s just NOT likely, I will not settle. Like I recently told a friend, I don’t know if I deserve better, but I sure as hell won’t settle for less.
“The surest way to lose balance is by comparing yourself to other people.”
So, that’s a quote from Orange is the New Black, Season 7. Naturally, I have binged the entire season. That line struck a real chord with me, because I’m constantly doing just that. I know why I do it. I was taught to do so by my parents. Now, this is not a case of me pointing my finger at either parent. I don’t think this was an intentionally malicious lesson. Regardless of why the lesson was pounded into my head, its been there for way too long. The funny thing is that I’ve always embraced being different. I remember fighting with my mother as a teenager and screaming, “I will never be the person you want me to be…I’m not wired that way!” That is a direct quote. I’m almost positive I said it daily for years. My mother wanted me to be super girly. She wanted me to be her little princess. I sometimes wonder if she had left me to discover my own style without trying to push that shit down my throat…well, its possible I would have come around to the very style I fought so vehemently against. I doubt it. I was given religious freedom and became an atheist. Then again, I feel that was more of an informed, educational decision. So comparing them is pretty pointless. Which brings me back to my original point…why are we always comparing ourselves to others? We need to stop. Pretty sure I’ll be revisiting this topic, but for now…I’ve wandered through the mine fields of my brain too long.