I have a tendency run a complete marathon of possibilities in my head with just about everything. It doesn’t matter if its something I’m excited about or something that scares me. So, if I meet a guy and everything is falling into place, I’m quick to think of all the ways this could work out in good ways, all while waiting for the penny to drop. I make myself absolutely crazy doing this. As I continue my therapy and learning to be mindful, I have been trying really hard not to do this. As it often leads to very hurt feelings for which I have no one to blame but myself. Listen, I’m trying, okay?
So, recently I met someone that has already made some serious improvements to my life. I ran the marathon, of course, and I got excited. Alas, real life has gotten in the way of my virtual dreams and the penny has officially dropped. HOWEVER, I’m super pleased with myself this go round, because I did not fall apart or feel that sense of devastation when the penny dropped. I just accepted the situation for what it is and have decided to just make the most of it. This person offered me some tools that work with my therapy tools and I’m hopeful about my own personal plan for a change. So, I’ve grabbed that silver lining by the tail and I am holding on for dear life. I don’t know how much time I have left on this planet, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to just give up. I’ve survived far too much to let life hold me down now.
hair: –FABIA– Mesh Hair < Elba>
head: GENUS Project – Genus Head – Classic Face W001 – Mocap
body: [LEGACY] Meshbody (f) (1.2)
skin: [Glam Affair] Josie Applier [ Genus ] @ Access
Well, its almost summer and many areas the temps are quite convincing that summer has arrived early. Now, with all the social distancing rules and hopefully common sense in place, I wonder how this is going to affect summer activities. I’ve seen plenty of shots on the news that showcase plenty of activity at the beaches. I really hope that people will stop listening to politicians about this virus, do a little bit of research for themselves, and protect each other. I know people are worried about the economy, but if this virus keeps wiping people out at the rate it’s been going…well, let’s just say, dead people don’t spend money either. No matter what you believe, please stay safe…the virus is real and before its over, we will all have lost someone to this horrific pandemic. Its better to endure ONE cruel summer than lose them all.
One day you opened up your eyes inside of you
Inside a world inside a universe you didn’t get to choose
You didn’t get to pick the rules or pick the past or set the pace
Or cast the cast and crew you didn’t get to pick your starting place
And though it was a race you didn’t understand
You simply lined up on the blocks and when the pistol popped you ran
And when you tripped and dropped you picked yourself up off the ground
And picked your scabs you knew you had to pick a plan to end what you began
As you got older there were days of cold surrender
Days of shrugged whatevers folded in with days of shocking splendor
But as time advanced the lovely days were covered up from view
By an advancing melancholy haze that hovered near the dew
Yet there were moments
There were these pure arresting moments when you stepped outside your head
Outside your pain outside control, outside the bullshit, out of body, out of rage
Outside the need to get it, get it, you will never get it, that’s okay
Have you felt a little off today
Had a lot to say
But wound up talking to yourself?
Have you hunted for a kindly ear
But couldn’t find one near
And wound up talking to yourself?
Had a little spot where you been going through a lot
Wanna shove it to the bottom but a trouble gonna bubble to the top
Then the bubble gonna pop and the hustle never ever gonna stop
Cause you get up in the morning get ahead then get to bed and then you do it all again until the moment that you drop
You need a plot, what you wanna witness with this life you got
You kicked and fought trynna get up in your skin and pick this lock
That ticking clock lets you know that bitch you got these situations witchu
Issues someone fit to quick should sit you should down to talk
Ever wonder who’s the crazy the one, people walking to work as if nothing is off
But if a person really got it they would be cracking a bottle on somebody’s head and looting from shops
Are there times you’re alone now when nobody’s home but you walk around muttering under your breath second shit saying goddammit goddammit goddammit just whispering soft
Do you ever get lost, deep in your thoughts, tripping when you think about the cost of seeing this through
When you tie your stomach into knots that you don’t know how to undo
But do you ever have another moment after that, when you can see
There’s no one way this has to be? Or maybe that’s just me
Another gauntlet was thrown after reading my Challenge to Challenge was issued. This one came from the very lovely and sweet, Loly Hallison. She had no way of knowing that these two items actually do belong together in a personal memory of my mom. One that I will never forget and it will always bring a smile to my face. It happened years ago, when I was still in my 20s.
My mother and I would meet up about once a month. We’d spend the day together, usually we’d shop until we dropped. This one morning I’d picked her up and we grabbed these amazing little strawberry tarts at a local bakery. I wonder if that place is still open. I’ll have to Google that later. Anyway, we’re sitting in the mall parking lot, eating our strawberry tarts, and talking. Our conversation turns to death, as it so often does with me, and my mother began telling me that she wanted to be cremated and her ashes sealed in a tea pot. I agreed to her request under one condition and it was that condition that had us looking like two crazy, drugged up teenagers.
Do not come back and haunt me by singing, “I’m a little teapot short and stout….”
She starts to panic. Did that sound passive aggressive? Of course she wanted him to have a good night. She wanted him to say something. Anything. She wanted to be with him, but her mood…well, he wasn’t ready for that. She didn’t know if he knew that, or just that he wasn’t in the mood for her mood. Either way, it wasn’t looking good. One minute between heartbeats. One minute later…crickets. What did that mean?
8 minutes later…crickets
She sat there as she felt the air being slowly knocked from her chest. She stared at the screen until it have been 11 minutes. She took a deep breath and closed the window. This wasn’t the answer to anything good.
12 minutes, she notices as she opens another page
poke ex on FB
She gulps as she catches herself looking at the time. She sighs and pulls up a Netflix window.