I have three phobias which, could I mute them, would make my life as slick as a sonnet, but as dull as ditch water: I hate to go to bed, I hate to get up, and I hate to be alone. ~Tallulah Bankhead
I chose this quote, because I’ve grown up hearing about Tallulah Bankhead as she was born in Huntsville, AL, which is pretty much where I grew up. She’s got an amazing and very interesting history and if you’re at all interested you can read more about here on Wikipedia or simply Google her. She was definitely a woman to be reckoned with and certainly not considered to be well behaved in her time.
So, when I was asking my dear friend, Dusty, for help with what to write about for this photo, he asked me what did this picture make me feel. Immediately, I thought of women from history that stood out as mis-behaved during their time. It was at that moment that I exclaimed him a genius, while he had no idea what I was talking about until I told him a bit about Tallulah. Had he not made this so obvious to me, I most likely would have posted a song with this picture. Instead, I’ve reignited my fascination with a local legend that passed away shortly before I turned 3 months old.
We’ve all seen the shirts and bumper stickers that read, “I don’t need your attitude, I have one of my own.” Such a simple saying, but nothing could more true about me personally. I really had to learn the difference between reacting and responding, because once upon a time I had a terrible temper. For instance, I had such bad road rage that I had three incidents that could have turned out terribly wrong.
One time, this mini van cut me off and almost hit me, so I cussed, yelled, honked my horn, and followed her home. Turned out to be my best friend’s mom. We ended up laughing about it and smoking a joint, but I know I got lucky.
Another time, this chick cut me off at the intersection to get in the turning lane that I was already in. Same thing, cussing, yelling, honking my horn…she turned and pulled into a gas station and I followed. We jumped out of our cars ready to fight, until we realized we knew each other. We had dated the same sorry ass loser the year before. Again, I got lucky, though to be fair, I honestly believe that one would have been nothing more than a fist fight.
The third time, I mentioned above was the worst. This man cut me off, I had to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid getting hit. It was so scary and I was so pissed that again….cussing, yelling, honking the horn….and I followed him…all the way to the daycare where he was going to pick up his kid. Naturally, I just drove up to him said something menacing about how’s he lucky he pulled into a daycare. When he saw the metal pipe in my hand (yes, I fully intended to beat him or his car with it), he quickly apologized and explained that he was running late, he was in a custody battle, blah blah blah. I didn’t give a rat’s ass why he almost killed me, but that day my boyfriend at the time was in the car.
He went on to tell me that I scared him and he was seriously worried about my temper. It was a few years before I learned to walk away when I get that upset. I have to walk away and let myself process what’s happened. More often than not, its something I can just let go and ignore. Other times its something I have to address and you can bet that when I do, I come out guns blazing….only my guns are loaded with words.
Sometimes the world just doesn’t make sense. I think it’s pretty clear that I’m not the picture of perfect mental health. I’m not sure there even is such a thing to be honest. Hell, mental health has been called all sorts of names throughout history. Even the names of disorders change….what once was called manic depressive is not called bi-polar. Why? Why did they change the name? Manic depressive was spot on. I think everyone and anyone can catch that disorder on the right day or wrong day as the case might very well be.
Seriously, think about it for a minute. You are having a great day. You slept great, you woke up right before your alarm went off. The weather is your favorite kind of day. Everything is going well. Catching all the green lights in traffic. Errands go great, you even saved some money unexpectedly. You come home, dinner is great….you slip into your favorite PJs…you’re set. You’re happy as you can be….then it happens. You get a tragic phone call. Something awful has happened to someone you love and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. You’re alone with this awful news. That’s going to be a helluva a mood swing, don’t you think? Say the reverse happens. Whole day has been shit. Slept like shit, overslept, bad hair day, pouring down rain, you get stuck in traffic…you get home, burn dinner…then unexpectedly your best friend calls. She’s coming over and she’s bringing pizza. Your whole day just got better in an instant. Mood swing. *shrugs* Must be bi-polar.
Ever just felt so damn lazy, you just didn’t even want to get out of bed? Ever just want to stay in bed all weekend, veg out with the remote and some junk food? Ever just do it, cuz you want to? Well, you must be depressed, you can’t even drag your ass out of bed. I’m in no way minimizing any diagnosis. I’m more than fully aware that there are varying degrees of each legitimate disorder. I’m not even suggesting to know what is and isn’t legitimate….I’m not a psych-anything….well, maybe psycho, but that’s about where my expertise ends. I’m sure not yelling at Matt Lauder about how mental health is a hoax, while clearly proving that it is very real.
I’m just saying, that the world doesn’t always make sense. So, if you’re a little crazy…so what? Be crazy. Be you. Love drama? Do it up. Hate drama? Stay away from it. Wanna dance? Crank up the music and dance. Who cares? We all have to get through this thing called life one way or another…so if you’re not crazy….why not? C’mon, let’s all go crazy.
There’s a poem by Maya Angelou, Caged Bird. Its one of those poems that sat on my chest like a 20lb cat. It weighed so heavily on my heart that is almost felt as though I were being crushed. I love the contrast of the free bird versus the caged bird. The free bird hasn’t the worries or restrictions of the caged bird. Yet, the caged bird chooses to sing anyway. The caged bird sings of hope, dreams, and fantasies. It is those songs that keeps the caged bird moving forward in its limited space. While the free bird might sing, I imagine the songs are hollow and not nearly as beautiful as the “fearful trill.”
Obviously the poem is not literally about birds. Its symbolism in its purest form really. Yet, it still makes me think. It takes my mind in so many directions. Not just the original meaning, but about each of us as individuals. How often do we cage ourselves? And for what reason? I spend more than 50% of my day in my bedroom, as my computer is in here, my smart tv, my bed…all my favorite comforts of home. Why? Though I sit in front of a window, there is nothing keeping me locked in here. So, why don’t I go outside more? Granted, I don’t like the people around here too much, but no one is forcing me to speak to anyone when I leave my house. I’ve even been to jail and I remember how badly I craved the fresh air, a natural breeze. How I longed to hear the rustling of leaves and the songs of birds….even the laughter of those little demon spawns people call children. *grins*
I’ve gotten too comfortable in my little cage of comforts. I’ve become complacent and in most 12 step programs there’s a common saying about complacency being a red light indicator. In other words, when we become too comfortable…too complacent in our lives, we are setting ourselves up for bad decision making and that’s never been more true in my life. I’ve made some very poor decisions in the last few months. Acting out (mostly in SL) in ways that I never have before and its time for me to stop. I’ve already reduced my blogging load by focusing more on fashion and less on home decor. Yet, I still find myself sitting at this desk focused far more on my blog than on my real life.
I am not a religious person by a long shot, but Easter is about Christ being reborn, right? Well, I think I’ll borrow a page from the Bible and use Easter as a form of rebirth of my own. I’m going to cut back a bit more on the blog and I’m going to be leaving my house for five days on Easter weekend. I’m going to see my darling Nikole. This will be the second time we’ve met in real life, but it’ll be my first time visiting her at her house. I’m super excited about the trip and I’m about to embrace some really positive changes in my life. I will no longer be caged by my own hands.
Some people on Facebook have expressed surprise at the fact that there’s so much more than just skin at the Skin Fair. It’s always been more than skin, at least as far back as I can remember. Last year several new bento heads were introduced. This year I’ve not seen as many heads being released. However, there are lots of shapes, tattoos, and cosmetics, as well as an abundance of skins. Seriously, reduce your scripts and your complexity as much as you can, then head on over and check it out. There’s plenty of amazing creations for everyone.
Today I’m showing you the A R T E – Sweetie Skin. I just love how the light catches on this skin and couldn’t resist going black and white for the main photo. However, you can see all three shades in the photo at the bottom.
I say this all the time, “I do what I want.” To be fair, I usually do just that. I’m an only child and despite the abuse, I was pretty spoiled. Over the years, I have grown up, but because I never had children I didn’t mature the way most people my age have matured. So, to sum it up I’m a brat! I know, that’s coming as quite a shock to many of you. *laughs*
I’m having a pretty crappy day, so that’s all I got for now. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and happy shopping♥
There’s something about knowing you’re being watched, but they don’t know you know. Perhaps it’s just me, I mean, I know can’t be the only that feels that way or the song below wouldn’t have become so damn popular. Once upon I couldn’t stand the idea of anyone watching me…..and to be perfectly honest, I’m still not a fan of that in RL. However, believe it or not, I used to get embarrassed in SL.
Then along came a very handsome and interesting neighbor. I discovered his crosshairs on me and realized I didn’t have the privacy set on my land. Instead of setting it, I gave him a show. *laughs* Funny thing is, we’ve been close friends ever since, but we’ve yet to mess around. I say, yet, cuz stranger things have happened.
Cruel is wearing:
body: [SIGNATURE] Geralt – Mesh Body *NEW*
tattoo: [ATI] Nightmare…
5.::GB:: Color denib pants / Black
I’m guessing by now that my regular readers have noticed that I’m trying very hard to get away from posting song links & copy/pasting lyrics. I’ve decided instead to explain why some songs are so special to me and why they’ve ended up on my personal soundtrack. So, now if you’re interested the video is embedded at the bottom of the post and if you right click on it, you can open that up in a new window.
Alright, so Dido’s White Flag….this song means so freaking much to me. It reminds me of a real life relationship I had many years ago with a guy we’ll call Bran. I fell in love with Dido about the same time I fell for him. Sadly, he didn’t quite love me the same way and my love for him was a tad bit unrequited. Though, you couldn’t convince any of our friends that we weren’t a couple. *laughs* Its a much longer story than I care to type out. However, with that said, I did have to finally let go…as I found something rather suspicious on his computer and I was never comfortable around him again. *sighs* At the time that I had such strong feelings for Bran, there’s simply nothing anyone could have said to make me give up, thus this song resonated with me.
This month my blog celebrates it 2yr anniversary and I can’t thank YOU the readers enough for your support. It continues to amaze me that anyone takes the time to read my words, look at my pictures, or comment. I am so humbled by it all. More than anything I’m grateful to my Ride or Die girls or as I usually refer to them, my cunts.
A strange twist of fate, some rock music, and a barn brought us together in the most unexpected ways, but the formula works. Four of the five of us have been inseparable. Let me explain the mega-important role that each of these girls plays in our little Cunt Cult (that’s what we call ourself and Tracy even made us a logo! No, you can’t join. #sorrynotsorry) We are not the mean girls, but we’ve tried bringing people into our group in the past. It has always backfired and when the cunts turn on you, well, its not pretty.
We do not have a leader, but I suppose some would assume its Kess or me. No, but believe or not, Kess is often our sound of reason. The one that grounds us in reality, points out the reasons one of our latest and greatest ideas is a BAD idea. For those of you that know Kess, please stop laughing. She’s really far smarter than people give her credit for….no, wait, that’s Tracy. Everyone knows that Kess, while being a daft bint, is an amazing and incredible woman that sets a fairly good example for the rest of us. She tends to give us that kick in the ass when we need it. While she’s all of that and a bag of chips….we don’t listen to her for romantic advice, cuz when it comes to men….well, I think she’s finally got a good one, but good lord. She has gone through enough toads, that’s for sure. Its about high time she found some happiness.
Then there’s Tracy….and Rom. Rom is an honorary member, because he’s sorta of been along for the ride with us since the very beginning. Sadly, this post isn’t about Rom, but if you love some artistic photography, please check out Rom’s flickr. Now, back to Tracy, she’s the owner of GingerFish poses. I’m sure you’re all familiar with her store. If not, you should be. She was one of the first pose makes to do bento poses. Her prices are great and she’s an amazing individual. She’s probably the smartest of all the cunts, but you’d never know it to talk to her. *giggles* She’s a crazy ginger that eats the souls of children for breakfast. *grins*
Then there’s Grace! This girl is like my twin. We agree on almost everything, except her choice in men. Tally? Really? *bursts into giggles* Grace and I go back and forth picking at one another. She never judges me ever. No matter what stupid shit I do, she’s probably done the same or something close. If these cunts were angels and demons on my shoulder, Grace would definitely be wearing red…with cow print. I don’t even know how to explain Grace….she’s Irish…wait, North Ireland Irish (that seems to make a difference). Between her shitty internet service and her crazy accent, she can be difficult to understand on voice. However, I love this woman like no one’s business….she’s my twinkie♥There’s another cunt, Ava, but she’s off in the real world being all in love & pregnant. I love her, but I honestly didn’t get to know her that well before she left us for that other platform called Real Life. I love them more than words can express and I refuse to even think of my life without them. They all have Flickrs, so click their names where highlighted to check them out, if you’d like.
These are the first circle of my Ride or Die bitches. I have a 2nd circle and they are the MF’n bomb. Perhaps I’ll talk about them another time, but they are not bloggers and kinda prefer to keep their lives a bit more private.
Once in a while we fight doing the right thing, because we’re not sure what that is. Cutting people from our lives is a lot like that. Its hard, because you’re ditching your loyalty. That’s pretty serious, but it would seem that sometimes our loyalty needs to be to ourselves first and foremost. If we don’t treat ourselves the way we want to be treated, how will anyone else even begin to figure out what we want.
I believe I must be at an advantage here, because as a child we moved every 2-3 yrs. So, I was constantly saying goodbye to people and letting go. By the time I grew up, letting go and walking away was far easier for me than others. The challenge for me was to stop walking away. Eventually, I started hanging on to people for dear life. I was scared to death that if I kept walking away, I’d never learn to just be in the here and now. I wasn’t running, I was simply walking away from anyone and anything that didn’t enhance my life. Now, I’m starting to understand what its like for other people and the struggle to let people go. However, one thing I’ll never have to fight or struggle with for long is letting go of some I feel is abusive. That will never be okay and something I outgrew a really long time ago.
There’s a line in the song I’ve attached that really struck a personal chord with me: I won’t keep watching you Dance around in your smoke And flicker out You’re not the light I used to know