I’ve been through some incredibly traumatic shit in my life. I’ve been raped by a clown. I’ve been abused sexually, mentally, physically, and emotionally by my father. I’ve been abducted. I’ve had guns to my head. I’ve been shot at. I’ve been chased with knives. I’ve been stalked. I’ve been thrown around like a rag doll. I’ve had my house raided by cops. I’ve been to jail. I’ve been homeless. I have survived some bizarre shit. These are not things I’m proud of, but I won’t deny my past either. Despite all that shit I survived, nothing dropped me into a darker hole than my husband leaving me. The last three years have been the darkest days I have ever known. I wanted to die every single day. The only reason I didn’t kill myself was because I couldn’t do that to my mother. She has stood by me through every stupid decision that has put my life on the line…time and time again. She suffered nightmares and not knowing from one day to the next whether she would get a call saying I was dead. She never stopped loving me. Not for one day. Not one time did she turn her back on me. She did what she had to do to protect herself, but she never abandoned me. I could not abandon her, no matter how much I wanted to die. No matter how much I hated myself or the world. No matter how useless and worthless I felt. She did not give up on me.
A few weeks ago, I sort of overdosed. I wasn’t really trying to kill myself, but I wasn’t trying to live either. I wanted the voices in my head to stop. I wanted the darkness to just take me once and for all. I wanted to sleep and not wake up. Most of all, I wanted to stop hurting…for as long as possible. I slept for almost 20hrs. When I woke up, I only told ONE person, Kess Crystal. We cried together for hours and I promised her that I wouldn’t do it again. I promised her that I would tell my therapist and I have done that. That same day, she gave me an early birthday gift. I’m not going to get into what that gift was specifically, but that gift was more than monetary. She gave me hope. She gave me a goal. She gave me a way to improve my life and something to strive towards. Between her and my therapist, I have emerged from the darkness.
For the first time in years, I have HOPE. Something I’ve written about in the past saying how dangerous it is, but the truth is….without hope, without something to look forward to…I have no life. I need that hope and those goals to keep me moving forward. I need to believe that good things will happen and I know that they will. I’ve had some pretty amazing days in my life…it hasn’t all been traumatic.
Since that morning, that Kess and I cried together, some pretty awesome things have happened. She got together with some other amazing people in SL (namely my SL daughter, Chickadee Tremor) and they threw me an epic birthday party inworld. It was fantastic and I had the time of my life. I found out that I was nominated for SEVEN Bloggie Awards including Blogger/Vlogger of the year. Which is freaking huge to me, as I don’t consider myself to be that great of a blogger to begin with. So to be recognized by enough people to put my lil ass on the ballot blew my mind. I honestly don’t expect to win any of them, especially the big one…I mean…the other people that have been nominated in the same categories are beyond superb! I am genuinely happy to have been nominated. However, there are a lot of people out there trying to rain on this tiny little virtual parade and its pissing me off. I’m sorry that every single blogger wasn’t nominated. I didn’t have anything to do with that. I honestly don’t know how I got so many nominations, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to feel guilty or bad for my name being on the ballot.
And to the people raining on the Bloggie Awards? I want to say I’m sorry, but your attitude says it all. If you cannot be happy for those that were nominated and for those that win? I believe you have bigger issues than not getting picked for some virtual award. So, sit down and shut the hell up. Some of us are happy and we all need every bit of happiness we can get. Why are you so petty and nasty that you want to spread your misery all over other people’s joy? Whatever it is, you really need to focus more on your real life than awards in Second Life anyway.