Reading the red flags and taking notes is not something I’ve excelled at over the years. I’m figuring out things about myself while be paralyzed by pain. How can I ignore that he’s got someone in his life that cannot know about me? How do I know that he’s not still with her? How can I ignore that I’m a secret? I can’t. Yes, he ticks a lot of the right boxes, but there’s so much more. It’s no secret that I have trust issues. Hell, I’ve got subscriptions. How can I trust a man that isn’t honest with and about his current situation? I won’t deny there’s an attraction. That attraction is stronger than I could have anticipated, but how can I respect myself or him if I continue with this dance on the edge of wrong. Oh sure, we can justify it six ways from Sunday. Have we done anything wrong? I suppose we haven’t. Not technically, but what I do know is that I would not be comfortable with my man having these conversations behind my back.
I am not a rebound. I am not a fall back plan. I am not a replacement. I am not a substitute. I’m sure as hell not some dirty little secret. If I’m going to open myself up to something beyond friendship again…and that’s just NOT likely, I will not settle. Like I recently told a friend, I don’t know if I deserve better, but I sure as hell won’t settle for less.