I had just been telling a friend of mine, “I’ve been tip toeing through broken glass for so goddamn long that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to wear my combat boots and fight back.” He shrugged it off like some crazy shit that only a high chick would say, but I think he just didn’t get it. Oddly enough, I was listening to Digital Daggers and one of my favorite songs of their started playing. While I’m not fond of the redundant name of the song, the lyrics connect to me in ways the author couldn’t have possibly imagined, and the melody is one of those hauntingly cool songs that only come along every so often. It all just got me thinking and looking back, which I do a lot.
I had gotten so tired of fighting that I just threw my hands up and surrendered. I tiptoed around certain friends, avoided some altogether…simply because I didn’t want to upset them and for whatever reason, my presence upsets them. There are people that hate me for reasons I have yet to understand and those people practically monitor my every move, another thing I have yet to understand. I didn’t have any fight in me. I was too emotionally tired to deal with SL drama, which is all it is…stuff that wouldn’t happen in RL, that’s for sure.
I genuinely stopped giving a fuck. Whatever happened…happened. While this attitude was rather liberating and freaking great at first, it got very dark rather quickly. I realized that I had not just lost the ability to give a fuck, but I had also lost hope. I was merely waiting to die. I was impossible to be around, my friends must have been watching from afar…some of them. I know they love me, but I’m sure they were like…nuh huh, she full on craycray, right now! They were right.
Due to so much time alone, I was able to take long horrid looks in the mirror, figuratively and literally. The emptiness in my eyes, no glow in my cheeks, even my lips seem pale. At least I have good make up, maybe I’ll start wearing some of it…not that anyone will see it, unless someone sends me a webcam..lol. I’ve got pink hair dye that I’ve been too chicken to apply..
It’s time to start living again and living for ME! As for all that broken glass? Hmm! Bitches better get out of my way, cuz Momma has a broom, Baby! My existence hurts your feelings? Block me and stop obsessing, stop pretending you like me, stop pretending to my friend…how about you find a new hobby or scape goat this year?
I’m putting my combat boots on, world. Ready or not, I’m not ready to just roll over and die like a little bitch. Enough is enough. I have a lot of changes to make, but there’s nothing like a new year to motivate me to make those changes. Am I making resolutions? No. I’m setting goals. *wink*