“I’m just letting you know I’m emotionally unavailable
I’d love to reciprocate your love but I’m incapable
I know that you don’t get it, but I’m just so unstable
And all I could think about is how you’d be unfaithful
You think that I am crazy
But that, that does not phase me
And no, you cannot change me
Just know you cannot save me”
~ Olivia O’Brien – Trust Issues
I really want to elaborate on how deeply the quoted lyrics above hit home. There has only been ONE man in my entire life that has not betrayed me and that was my maternal Grandfather. I honestly do not believe he ever would have either. Granted, I was only 7yrs old the last time I saw him before he died, but the way my mother talks about him…well, I have to believe he never would have betrayed me. He was amazing the had the bluest eyes I have ever seen. Every other man in my life has hurt me by making me feel less than worthy. Every man I’ve dated has cheated either with me or on me. Yes, I said with me. You see, I learned my lesson about the betrayal early on. So, in my early 20s, I wouldn’t date a man that didn’t have a woman at home. Why? Because at that time, I would have rather been the woman he cheats with than the woman he cheats on. I was treated exceptionally well by those men and had no restrictions. They couldn’t very well insist on monogamy from me when they were going home to fuck someone else, now could they?
I’m not saying there aren’t some good, honest men out there. All I can say is that they’ve not been men I dealt with for very long. Perhaps its the type of men I’m attracted to. I can accept that. Regardless of why, it comes down to this one thing. I am incapable of trusting a man romantically. I tried to last year, but like all the rest….that led to betrayal and the shattered remains of a heart that wasn’t even healed from the last betrayal. The promises people make when they think they’re in love….hmmmm, I don’t know, I suppose the old addage, “Promises were made to be broken,” has proven to be true….at least in my life. So, trust issues? Nah, more like a full blown subscription to NTA….never trust anyone.
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