My real life is a freaking mess and certainly not what I had hoped it would be by my age. However, if I don’t give thanks for the little things, I simply wouldn’t be able to pull myself from the edge of suicide. It sounds severe and dramatic, but I assure you that its something I think about regularly. AND from the age of 12 until I was 22, I was attempted it regularly. Clearly, I failed at that like so many things in my life. It was my last attempt that changed everything. I was lying in the ICU, barely conscious when I had an epiphany for what I now call my Suicide Test. I have yet to pass this test, therefore, I have not been able to attempt suicide again since.
It’s quite simple actually. It’s a 30 day test, so patience is key, but if you’re planning to die, what’s 30 more days, yeah? So, look at the clock. For me, its 9:19pm on Sept 19. Now, if I do not find a single moment of joy between now and 9:19pm on Oct 19th, I can proced with my suicide attempt. However, you have to understand the true nature of joy and what all that entails. That means you must want to die for every second of ever minute of every hour of every day for 30 days straight. That means you cannot enjoy a single moment of your life for even a second or the clock starts over. So, if a meme makes you laugh or even smile or silently chuckle. Clock restarts. You tasted something wonderful and thought to yourself how good that was? Clock restarts. You stepped in the shower and exhaled with relief as that hot water poured over you. Clock restarts.
You see, if you had killed yourself upon that first notion, you would have missed that simple moment of joy. If you would have missed something as simple as a cluster of butterflies dancing over your head, then you surely would have missed the smile you bring to other people’s faces. And let’s face it, no matter how awful you think your life is…you make someone smile and someone loves you.