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“I felt deeply tricked. Stunned. And furious. I also felt my default emotion: numbness.”
― Augusten BurroughsRunning with Scissors

I relate to this quote so much. Having suffered at the hand of monsters more than once, I know this numbness well. I honestly believe its a defense mechanism. Its as if the emotion is too much and my body throws up a shield of numbness to protect me from the pain. I’m actually grateful for it, but I also have a tendency to depend on it a bit too much.
I remember a few years ago, I was going through one of the hardest times in my adult life. The numbness didn’t come. I had to create it, but taking far more xanax than any doctor would prescribe. I’m not addicted, its not like that, but when you depend on a numbness to keep yourself from literally slitting your wrists…well, you do what you’ve got to do. Even now, I get more xanax than I need from my doctor so that I have extra….just in case.
I recently found out that I was betrayed by someone I loved….shocking. I was so angry. I was so hurt. I wanted to lash out. I wanted to destroy him. I wanted to destroy everything he loved. I didn’t do anything, but cry to a few friends and eventually use my xanax to numb myself. When the xanax kicks in, I feels so much better…calmer as if floating in water without a care in the world. It’s a temporary fix, but sometimes its the calmness I need to process what has actually happened to me.

floating away

*LODE* Head Accessory – Juliet [peach]
hair: Exile – Wildfire
head: CATWA HEAD Lona
body: Maitreya Mesh Body
skin: [theSkinnery] Saska (Catwa Applier) honey

pose: Purple Poses Trish Set

One thought on “Numbness

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