Sometimes I wake up and forget my world has changed. I forget that I sleep alone while he sleeps in the other room. I have to remind myself not to reach for him, that I curl up to pillows and blankets now. It’s been two years, but I still miss the struggle of not keeping him awake with my restless body. I no longer have to be quiet or careful when getting up in the middle of the night to pee. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but no.
I drag my house out of bed and pull myself together. I find distractions to get me through another day. I really thought we were would last forever. I believed he was the one that would never leave. I have yet to let go of the hope that this is just a nightmare. That I’ll wake from this dream to find him next to me again. I don’t really want to let him go.
I try to find his faults. I recite all the things he does that annoy me and I know I will miss them when he’s gone. From time to time, I remind him that I love him…that I’m willing to fight. He reminds me that he has given up and my heart breaks a little more each time. Our vows meant everything to me and nothing to him. I’m left alone to get lost in memories.